4 maande

Vandag is 4 maande vandat ek Zac verloor het ek mis hom elke dag so baie. Ek is besig met n FET cycle kan nie wag vir my dag 10 scan volgende week donderdag en dan terugplasing die week daarnaa. N fet cycle het eintlik so min hoop maar daar is hoop so ek bly droom

"WHERE HOPE GROWS MIRACLES BLOSSOM"

Die waarste ding wat ek in n lang tyd gelees het !!!!

My Liewe baba seuntjie

Vandag is dat 3 maande en drie weke vandat ons jou daai donker nag verloor het en my hart is baie seer vanaand my liefling, mamma mis jou so vreeslik baie ek wens ek kon jou leer ken jou groot maak jou vas hou, jou troos waneer jy huil maar nou speel jy in die hemel met die ander engeltjies mamma kon jou lewelose lyfie net n paar minute vas hou jy was so pragtig ons het so lank vir jou seuntjie lyfie gebid ons wou so graag he die enigste doring tussen al die rosies. Jou voespoortjies en scan foto's is al wat ons van jou tyd op aarde het maar daai voetjies het diep spore in mamma se hart getrap ek wens ons het meer tyd saam met jou gehad maar ouma se jy het vir haar gese jy sal na ons toe kom in n gesonde lyfie want jou siel sal voort leef en ons moenie treur nie. Wel tot dan leef jy on ons harte voort ek is lief vir jou engel kind.

D.E.P.R.E.S.S.E.D

I feel so depressed and sad I want my baby back why can everyone else keep theirs why did I have to loose mine it is just not fair why does people who believe not get what they ask for and people that does give a fuck just get without asking!!! WHY the fuck is life so unfair. I don't know where the hell I am going to get the funds but I will be damned before I give up I am not there yet just sick and tired and fed up. Financially things suck at the moment how are we going to afford to make my dream come true !!!!!! I am scared because it is all that is keeping me going. I sooooooooooooooooo hope that the FET will work that we are going to try in the next few months that will sort out a big part of the problem I can hope and dream but statistically we don't have a great chance less than 10% but I have a FET miracle that just turned two so they do happen I just don't know who decides when and where. I struggle with pregnant people at the moment and I seemed to be surrounded by them my sister my SIL I can't stand them I know that is so selfish but both of them got pregnant two weeks after stopping BCP how unfair not one of them is particularly pleased to be pregnant and I crave for what they have with every fibre in my being

A poem to my darling angel boy

These are my footprints so perfect so small

These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all

Not one tiny footprint for now I have my wings

These tiny footprints were meant for other things

You will hear my tiny footprints, in patter of rain

Gentle drops like angles tears of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies lazy dance

I’ll let you know I’m with you, if you give me chance.

You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves

I will whisper names into the wind and call each one that grieves.

Most of al these tiny footprints are found in mummy’s and daddy’s heart

Cause even though I’m gone now, we will never truly part.

The worst day of my life (warning morbid post)

This morning at 3:20 I lost my precious little baby boy at 17 weeks and 3 days my heart is shattered I don't know how I am going to cope I had slight contractions from 23:00 which just got worse at least I went to the hospital at 02:35 I started bleeding heavily and my underwear was taken off and then started passing clots and minutes later my baby came out and I knew it was all over I lost my precious baby I should be glad that I had made it to the hospital in time because my placenta got stuck and I had to have an evacuation for the bleeding to stop. Words can't describe my feelings

He died during birth as his heart was beating still minutes before that I am shattered I wish that I had rather died giving birth to him than living with this grief. I wanted to see him and I am so glad I did but it will haunt me forever.

A very complicated pregnancy

I started bleeding again at 20 th of January and I was put on bed rest. The 22nd I went for a 3D scan to put my mind at rest and to maybe see the gender of my baby but instead I got bad news I barely had any amniotic fluid so she stopped the scan I immediately went to my Dr but he was not overly concerned just mad that I went for the scan and things went on like that three weeks later I was still bleeding went for a second opinion on Monday bigggggggggggggg mistake the doctor after scanning for 1 minute told me he has bad news that my baby has died just to re track it another minute later and then proceeds to tell me my baby has no amniotic fluid and it growth was totally wrong and that he is very sorry and that was it I should go for a second opinion at the fetal accesment centre they could only see me at 18 weeks. I was going out of my mind until my scheduled appointment with my own DR today and he immediately picked up my baby's strong heartbeat and the growth is perfect for this stage of development text book actually but he agrees that there is very little amniotic fluid but there is some that he could see and my placenta is normal and he can't see any bleeding in my uterus anymore so now it is just a waiting game for as long as my baby's heart is beating we can only wait and see, but he thinks we should be okay I just need a lot of prayers and faith. My mom is sending me a fetal heart doppler with my sister from the UK next week so I will be able to listen to my baby as much as I want until we are trough this rough patch.

He can't find the reason for the problem but with the twins I lost they were expelled (SORRY TMI) the last couple of days that seems to be the main problem but I also have a 10cm cyst on my left ovary that is only growing at this stage so this poor baby is literally fighting for it's life but he said that with the other being gone now things could look a lot different in a months time.

I have been going mad slowly it is driving me insane I just hope my LO will stay safe as I don't know if I will be able to handle to loose it at such a late stage. I don't even have a history of complications in pregnancy so this is totally weird.

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